It's okay to not be fine.

I want to preface this post by saying that I think social media can be great - There have been so many instances in which I have learned something new, gained new perspective, felt close to somebody I can't see in person due to time/distance/you name it - all because of some form of social media. There have also been plenty of times where I have felt so alone in whatever struggle I am going through as I scroll through everyone else's highlight reel. It's in those moments when I think social media has done our generation and those to come a major disservice. Like most humans, I have this innate desire to make it seem like every aspect of my life is JUST GREAT. I'm FINE! (imagine Ross Gellar drunk on margaritas holding a FIRE HOT pan of fresh fajitas with his bare hands, now imagine I am Ross Gellar) EVERYTHING IS FINE! When in reality, there is usually some type of struggle happening. Whether it be with family, in your marriage, health, financial, spiritual, infertility, friendships, grief, etc etc etc. Social media hides the struggle, and enhances the highlights of life.... unless we are super intentional and honest about the full picture.

Here is a prime example: (warning, may be wayyyy TMI for some of you) 

What you see: Look at this family! So happy on Thanksgiving! Getting a Christmas tree! Life seems so easy breezy for them. 

What you don't see: Picture on the left was taken when I was 6 weeks pregnant, a few hours earlier I was told that my hcg (pregnancy hormone) levels were dropping. Inevitably, that meant I would miscarry that very wanted baby. 

The picture on the right was taken at a Christmas Tree Farm, where I began the process of miscarrying in an outhouse (yes, I said outhouse). BUT I'M FINE! You also don't see that right after the outhouse incident, I was standing in line to meet Santa with my precious 6 year old daughter. About 3 groups in front of us in line was a well meaning family; a pregnant Mom of two kiddos and her husband. They used this joyous occasion to hold up their ultrasound printout for a photo op to be used as a pregnancy announcement! I'M TOTALLY FINE RIGHT NOW. 

I was not fine. I was devastated, heartbroken, numb. I was looking at that poor pregnant Mom like I wanted to punch her in the face, which I know is totally illogical and unfair. But in my grief, I was instantly comparing my life to hers. The problem was, I was only looking at HER highlight reel right in front of me. Who knows what kind of struggle she went through to get there? Were the two kids with her adopted? Were they created via in vitro fertilization, costing tens of thousands of dollars? Had she experienced a pregnancy loss? Was she actually terrified to be pregnant again because her marriage was falling apart? Were there financial concerns? Only God knows. But I was only looking at the one thing I could see she had that I didn't. Over the next couple of months, I found myself holding back tears every time somebody posted a pregnancy or birth announcement. I was not pregnant. I had lost two pregnancies. Would I be able to get pregnant again? Was it just going to be Clint, Ems, & I forever? Would I be able to give Emma the sibling she wants so badly? I don't mean to downplay the AMAZING blessing that is my daughter. I couldn't be more grateful for her. I realize some women that want children are never able to experience it. I can't imagine the level of heartbreak that brings. But.... we didn't and don't feel complete as a family yet. Something.. Someone is missing..... 

That little someone that has been missing is now due to enter our family in October, in the form of a baby boy. Now I'm the one sharing those little moments on social media. Pregnancy and gender announcements. Pictures including my growing belly. Creepy 3D ultrasound pictures that only parents are proud of. I have struggled with posting anything, likely because I have been on the other side. I struggle knowing that someone might see something related to my pregnancy and it might make them feel alone, hopeless, angry. On the flip side, I know this will likely be the last time I am pregnant. I want to celebrate every minute of this experience. I want to proudly enjoy the FREAKING miracle that is happening inside of my body. Just know that when I do post anything, I see you. I'm praying for you. You aren't alone, or hopeless. Your story is perfectly imperfect. I want people to see that nothing is as it seems. Even as I post today, seemingly having everything I waited so long for, I sit with this continued anxiety of losing this little boy. I struggle every day to let go of fears I have because of what I have been through. Luckily, I have found ways to cope with this in a healthy way (Thanks to my main man, Jesus). E*V*E*R*Y*O*N*E is fighting some type of battle..... some are just better at hiding it and social media has a filter for everything. I'm trying to un-filter that. I'm trying to say loudly its okay to not be FINE.